Bombing Runs

Dear readers,

It is my great honor to inform you that I’m taking the site you all love and adore, and I am destroying it for my own capitalistic gains.

As many of you (me) know, I have been spending the past year working on a new IOS and Android game that will no doubt become an instant overnight smash-hit that will net me millions of pesos. One of the requirements of any smash hit game is, of course, that it have a website.

To that end (and because I don’t want to pay to host a second website), our beloved blog will become the main page for… “BOMBING RUNS!”

That’s right, readers. The game is called “Bombing Runs” (I added the previously written exclamation point for effect. It is not part of the title). It is about bombing, running, and stuff. What fun, dear readers. What fun.

But don’t worry, You’ll still be able to enjoy all of my semi-annual blog posts just as you always did. By not reading them.

Thank you for your valued time. And please go spend money on my free app.

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Am I the only person defending our lane here?!

It’s a wall. Our lane is a wall. We do not let cars merge into a wall. That is not how it works.

And if a wall has just one weak spot that the enemy can penetrate, then the whole wall is pointless! You’re making our whole wall pointless!

But other drivers don’t understand….

Sometimes, as responsible drivers, there are situations where we need to hold the line. (Love isn’t always on time.) Take today for instance.

Continue reading

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Free internet and the associated costs

I’m getting free high-speed internet, and I think I’m going to cancel it.

What?!” you’re thinking to yourself. “I’d love to get my internet for free. How can you possibly want to get rid of that?!”

By now you’re frothing at the mouth. One of your eyes starts to twitch, and your neck is scrunched into your shoulder. Your whole body shudders sporadically. “What wrong with you! Can’t you see…”

Shhh… be calm, friend. Be calm… Let me take you back in time. Back to before I had free internet. Back in the ‘good’ old days.

Continue reading

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Worst soldier you’ve ever seen

I’m the worst soldier.

“Sweet, I’ve got an ATV,” I think to myself. “Time to go where the action’s at…. Should be a little quicker if I go off road…. Afterall, it’s an ‘all-terrain vehicle.’”

Cue death number one, wherein I plummet 100 yards down the side of a cliff.

I’ve been playing Planetside 2 for one hour. In that time, I’ve died six times, seen two enemies, gotten zero kills and blown up two vehicles (while driving them). I’m the worst soldier this planet has ever seen.

I know the other soldiers aren’t running into these problems, because I’ve seen some of my team’s other soldiers.  I’ve seen a group of them kill an enemy once. Yeah, they all shot him and stuff. I tried to help out, but only succeeded in shooting one of our own people.

I’m a sniper. Not because I’ve ever sniped, but rather because I carry a rifle that could potentially be used to snipe with. Much in the same way as in real life, I’m a professional chef; because I own a culinary knife set.

My general strategy is to drive around until I get close enough to where the map says there’s a conflict going on that I can look through my scope and not see anything.

I don’t blame me, though. I blame whoever drafted me into this war. Planetside 2 is a huge, complex game with hundreds of things going on at any given time across the planet and thousands of more things not going on, and the only real training you can expect before being thrown into the fray is what you’ll find on youtube.

I go to the right places. I know, because I hear gunfights and occasionally get killed out of the blue.  But there’s more to war than just showing up, apparently. There’s also dying.

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The state of our site

Over this year, we’ve seen a lot of growth and change here at the blog. Words were written. Words were read. All in all, it’s been a year. A real year, friends.

That year is coming to an end, and it’s about time we looked back over all we’ve accomplished.

On average this year, we’ve had six page-views per day. Six, dear friends. Six people each day were exposed to our grand site.

Granted, they were mostly all lumped into one day (I’m looking at you, Arby’s Value Chart), but that’s not the point. The point is, six people each day are exposed to our work (my work).  And while they don’t really ever return, they came. In that sense, our site is much like the Grand Canyon. Worth visiting once for sure. If you’re into that kind of thing.

Sure, we’ve had ups and downs. Mantennae Man slunk back into the dreary night without ever being seen, Stevan the Barbarian brought in some solid page-views (at least a dozen), and, of course, who can forget Old lady in checkout at Walmart. That’s right, she’s on her way to the grave, hahaha… good memories, my friends…

And certainly, dear friends, through it all, it has been a year. Let us only hope that next year is also… a year.

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Stevan the Barbarian and the Deep Depths Part 1

A rumbling pulse carried through the thick stone walls. Stevan slept, though his eyes remained alert. He was accustomed to the vibrations.

Scant light entered the damp dungeon where he lay, and none announced the arrival of morning, but Stevan knew. His keen barbarian instincts roused him as easily as the bright shine of the sun in the overworld, and he quickly climbed to his feet, looking down to check on the pretty young prize he had taken. She slumbered still.

He crept quietly into the open, eyes rapidly scanning in every direction. Continue reading

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By the Numbers: Playing the lottery

“Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!” you hear the homeless man in front of you exclaim as he digs his final few dollars from his torn up, dirty, holey sneakers.

“Why don’t you use that money to buy new shoes instead of a lottery ticket?” you ask.

His long, ratty hair slaps you in the face as he whips around. He looks you up and down quizzically before smiling slightly, turning back to the gas station attendant and exploding in laughter. Continue reading

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Back from the dead

Greetings devout readers!

I’m back! It’s been months since my last post and you’re no doubt wondering where I’ve been.

It’s not important. Suffice it to say that a traffic accident may have occurred near the Mexican border while I was fleeing the IRS and drawing up new identities on my Etch-a-Sketch.

What is important is that I’m finally back and we can get back to business as usual. In fact, I hope we can get on to business better than usual.

Stay tuned eager readers.

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Free Hands

My wife just bought me a hands-free device for my cellphone since I drive quite a bit for work. And because I recently hit a deer.

It comes in very handy, but now that I don’t have to hold the phone, I’m finding it difficult to figure out what to do with my hands. Continue reading

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Back! and taxes

Hey readers! Taxes are finished, and I’ve got a lot of money headed my way! Or an audit.

I don’t really know how taxes work, but they don’t seem that bad. Here I thought taxes were all about paying the government. Instead, they’re paying me! Yay taxes! Continue reading

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